Monday, March 5, 2012

I'll take it...the Good and the Bad

Sometimes this capstone class, while doing an internship, while maintaining a long distant relationship is tough. Ok...all the time. I feel like we aren't talking about "important" things while we have the time to. Or I have one of those days where nothing goes as planned and all in all the day was a complete failure in school. Or I am at work completely exhausted to the point where I have to do anything possible to keep my eyes open and stay productive...I can't help but think maybe I'm not cut out for this. And then the doubt starts to creep up and I think about how much would change if maybe I had an easier degree, or maybe I spent less time doing school work and more time visiting with him. Or maybe I should have the job I had...before this internship.  Or I distinctively remember having more time to do homework in my day.  Oh, wait thats because my job wasn't an internship.  It wasn't a huge blessing for my future career.

It's easy to get that "grass is greener" attitude when things aren't going my way. Just when I think about throwing in the towel and going an easier route rather than the route God planned for me, then I think of SJ. And I think of that degree. That degree is the reason I work so incredibly hard every day. And he's the reason for this season of my life...and together we're going to "get" this. Just when it seems like things are going perfectly, I have days like today, days where everything seems overwhelming.  Its like SJ said tonight...sometimes its as if I can see the finish line and I can imagine being done so easily, it makes it hard to endure what I am going through to get there.

I'm sure this is the normal ebb and flow of life. I think back to when I was a TA and how I would have given anything to have an Event Coordinating internship. How I wrestled with what I would do when the time came to get one. How I was at complete and total peace with my decision when the time came. But sometimes I let the perfectionist in me get the best of my thoughts.

I long for this proverbial balance as a student, with a internship, and in a long distance relationship. But, wait, I didn't have balance when I wasn't in a relationship. And school has ALWAYS been tough for me no matter what job I had.  It's that unpredictability that makes life what it is. If everything was balanced and structured...If plans never fell through, if Shelby and I didnt have nights where we talked about boring things such as my capstone class, fainting, or the uncertainty of the Army...how it ruins our plans, if I didn't make bad grades in the past. Then what would drive me to cherish my time with him? What would drive me to want that degree? What would drive me to be a better Christian? If I didn't fail at this live I'm living once or twice a week (or once or twice a day, sometimes) would I really be growing? No.  Would we as a couple be growing? No.

It's these reminders that cause me to slow down. These small failures that cause me to stay up late on a Saturday night finding ways to have more time with him during the weekends, or to finish the assignments that aren't due until next week. Or to work on that marketing project that needs to be done tomorrow. And when the days are hard and long and tiring? It's HIS faithfulness and grace that gets me through all things I can't do on my own.

And this guy of course :)

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