Most days, I don't know what I'm doing...I'm just everywhere.
A while back proved no different. I spent DAYS scared out of my mind about one doctors appointment because of my fainting habits.
Turns out anxiety...stress...my crazy mind is what causes it all. The doctor told me that I needed to squat down when I felt faint...that I needed to drink more water. The doctor gave me a few medications to calm my anxiety.
Told me things I already knew.
I could and can do a lot of things. But in the heat of that moment, in the thick of it...I needed help.
I needed the reassurance from a medical profession as to why I was fainting.
I need someone to tell me it's ok. I need someone to hug me tight when I feel like breaking.
I need to get to and from school and school every day, because it means I get out of the apartment- multiple times a day.
Who cares that I throw clothes on and walk out the door... The point is that I walk out the door.
The last year has taught me a lot about myself especially being in the relationship I am with SJ... it's taught about who I am and who I hope to be. I hear, "I admire your strength," or, "You are so strong," more times than I care to count. The thing is... It's not about strength. We all have the strength to survive anything. It's just buried deep inside. It's about asking for help when you need it, and just simply getting things done. It's about perseverance and the will to keep going.
Here we are in the beginning of the month number 9 and things are getting more difficult. We haven't seen eachother in months. We get frustrated with eachother more easily, but we cherish our time to talk more often.
But this I know...
I have class 4 times a week. I have to BE there 4 times a week.
I have work 4 times a week. I must BE there 4 times a week.
Groceries need to be bought.
Skype dates need to be happening.
Bedtime will come.
And this long distance will not be forever.
This long distance will end.
I just gotta keep going....
We will keep going.